“Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.”
― Carl Jung
Relationships of any form including partnerships, spouse, family members, friends or colleagues, may suffer for any number of reasons. People change, people outgrow one another, have different expectations, beliefs or values or are heavily influenced by others including families and friends. People stop liking each other for a whole variety of reasons. When relationships suffer they can become painful and often people are unable to communicate effectively without anger or bitterness.
Often when couples come to me for help, at least one person in the relationship believes that other person is at fault and they expect me to ‘fix’ the other person. Although it is sometimes the case where one person may need more support than the other, each party must to be willing to look inward, to acknowledge and reflect on how they also influence the dynamics of the relationship and to work together towards improving things. Each person must be open to making changes and accept that things may not always work out as hoped or expected. Relationship coaching helps each person to consider the current uncomfortable situation from different perspectives, to try out alternative ways of behaving, communicating and thinking. It helps each person to improve and grow allowing the relationship to become more comfortable and and also for each party to be more resilient to challenges.
Communication and respect are two of the most important things in any relationship. When you cannot communicate effectively you cannot relate to one another. Respect is such an important element. When you constantly accept disrespect from someone, it is like disrespecting yourself. If you speak or behave disrespectfully to someone, it causes damage to your relationship with them. Although disrespect can often occur in relatively minor ways, it’s impact can build up over time. Enhancing your communication with each other, in kind loving and respectful ways, helps to strengthen the foundation of the relationship enabling you to relate better and to improve things in several other ways. Relating well requires an understanding, not only of the other person but also of yourself. People come to me because their relationship is uncomfortable or is breaking down and they want to make changes but they don’t know how. They may have been screaming at or ignoring each other for years, or have had so many difficulties that they’re not even sure whether or not to stay together. Often people struggle with relatively minor issues which may affect relationships at all different stages, from the beginning when just getting to know each other, to upcoming weddings, to long term marriages and discontent with family member(s). Whichever stage you are at, if you’ve recognised that there is a problem, it is important to try to resolve it as soon as possible.
“From the first session with Jo I instinctively knew that she had understood her audience. She used language that worked for my partner and I, to allow us to feel comfortable, she is a master at work. Sometimes I would feel that she had achieved more in a session than I had been able to reveal in years. She allowed us to understand ourselves and by encouraging us to “respond” not “react” changed our approach to each other.” – Maria Rocker, Essex
People often look for a partner to fulfil something that’s missing within themselves and they project their own shortcomings or their own beliefs onto a person and expect them to conform. When the other person does not conform, they feel as if they have been let down. They can become resentful of the other person for not meeting their expectations. Being able to recognising how your own behaviours and beliefs can affect a relationship is really important. When we are able to accept some of the responsibility, we have a better chance of making things work.
They say that you can choose your friends but not your family. No family is perfect. That said, families can be happily imperfect. Important relationships are often damaged or torn apart by unresolved issues, different beliefs or unmet expectations. Conflict in families is common place, and when emotions are high, things often go unsettled for some or all parties. Sadly even close relatives will distance themselves from family members rather than clearly voice, let alone try seriously, to settle grievances and problems. Often facing up to those difficult conversations seems too daunting or impossible. Relationship coaching can help families to work together to see things more clearly and to facilitate positive, powerful and lasting changes.
Just to be clear, I am a coach but not a counsellor. Although there are often unresolved issues, relationship coaching is not designed for years of sitting through session after session listening to bickering and arguments. Relationship coaching is about becoming unstuck and making positive changes and finding a better way forward. Although we may need to examine, and hopefully settle, unresolved issues, this is not a blame game. To make improvements in a relationship, it is easier and more powerful if each party is willing to review his or her own part in the situation and, if need be, to do things differently.